This is a continuation to my previous blog on Who I am within current relationships at work. In this blog, I am being more specific in the sense that I will choose 1 coworker at a time and really investigate where I see myself in relation to that particular relationship.
What I did first is write down a list of all my coworkers. Then I placed check marks or cross marks next to each name suggesting whether I trust them or like them. Out of 30 or so coworkers, it came down to me only distrusting 4 coworkers namely: TL, CM, TE, JW, ?CR, ?LF, ?MB ?RK. Some are questionable as to whether I can trust them or like them because of failure to investigate deeper.
So I shall start with TL.
Positive traits that I appreciate about her:
She has a sweet voice whenever she is happy. She tries to remain calm whenever issues need to be addressed to me. She knows that I am sensitive by nature so she tries to be careful to me whenever she has to talk to me.
Flipside of her.
She is a micro-manager and is condescending.
Backchats
I wish she would just talk to me without blaming and not micromanage.
She is herself not efficient in her job, so why is she blaming me for something.
How true are these backchats?
Initially, I was angry at her because of the feedback I had received from other coworkers who always have something to complain about her.
I felt she was picking on me.
Recently, she has been not talking to me unless there is an important topic which needs to be brought up. And when she does bring it up, she is quite diplomatic about it and hasn't really been that mean.
Where do I see myself in this coworker dynamic?
Whenever
she is condascending, I tend to automatically feel this instant emotion
in my body, which I describe as fear of anticipation that says: "oh oh. I
am in trouble. Shit! Now what". I feel like a victim trapped in fear of being in trouble.
Sometimes I may take it personally when I feel she picks on me, which does not seem to happen much anymore.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I will be in trouble from my superiors. I realize that no matter how much I would love to be perfect and never make mistakes that this is just something that will never happen due to the complexity of contexts. When and as I see myself fearing that I will be in trouble, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this is a learning curve, and that when something is being brought up to my attention that I just need to focus on what is being present and learn from it, ensuring that such mistakes are not repeated again.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to take things personally whenever I felt/feel that TL picks on me. I realize that this is just part of who she is and by reacting to that, I instantly put myself in the victim's shoes. When and as I see myself taking things personally, I pause and I breathe. I realize that this reaction is only simply telling me that I am allowing my own self beliefs to sabotage me, where I exist as a personality and want to have my personality validated to ensure its survival. I commit to taking a step back, and looking at the context with a practical mind and asking myself where I fit in that context, as in is she really being nasty or is she just pointing something to me that I need to look into for the sake of patient safety and protocols.
Monday, 14 October 2013
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Day 3: Who Am I within this relationship?
Today a coworker visited me at home. I asked her who is covering me while I am away and she told me it was a new hire. I asked her how the new hire is doing and she replied that she is an awesome worker. I immediately started to feel this pang of emotion in my chest area, underneath my heart. It was like this form of anxiety pang that came. I asked myself why am I feel this way and I realized that this pang contains some fears that I am still holding on to.
I guess what I am holding on to is the fear that I am not going to be liked or appreciated in the workplace. My mind makes up all sort of stories to cling onto the desire of energy creation via emotions and feelings.
What is this coworker telling me?
They are telling me that I allow myself to fear that I am not liked or appreciated and therefore they are threatening me.
They are telling me that I am a victim and a prisoner to my emotions.
They are telling me that I am automatically competing with them by allowing myself to compare me with them
Why do I fear not being liked?
My childhood experiences and upbringing have always conditioned me to be a nice girl.
Why is that?
Wanting to be liked also implied that I get to be part of a group as opposed to being all by myself due to bullying.
Wanting to be liked also implied being praised for being good which feeds into the energy loop.
Wanting to be liked means avoiding being gossiped about negatively because I take it to heart and I am scared my reputation would be ruined.
What can I learn about myself from all this?
I obviously do not love and accept myself because I am relying on the approval of other people to give me that indication that I am a good human being. I see myself as less than what other people perceive of me.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek the approval of others so that I can validate my feeling of being a good person.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to need to be part of a group or else I will feel lonely and left out.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see me as not equal to other people because I need other people to tell me that I am on the right track in my path of being the nicest person in the universe
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek this desire of really wanting to possess a good and caring personality.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to become like Mother Theresa or Lady Diana as in becoming someone who does a lot of good for the world by providing a nurturing personality and therefore earning the title of being the godliest people.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire this energy from seeking appreciation from others to validate my feelings.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to play the game of competition, where if my coworker is perceived as being a winner because of her hard work, then that means that I am the loser in this battle, as to have a winner means to have a loser
When and as I see myself feeling anxious when someone else is being labelled as nice and great, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this behavior is just feeding my mind and what other people are perceived as have nothing to do with me and therefore, I commit to not internalizing those anxious movement inside my body by telling myself that if they are good then that is who they are, and who they are does not imply that I am an unworthy person.
When and as I see myself wanting to be part of a group at work, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that this longing for wanting to fit in is nothing but a program that is running in my mind. I therefore commit to stand up and realize that just because I have to work with coworkers does not mean that they have to become my best friends. In addition, I realize that one can't choose coworkers and therefore what one needs to do is just focus on doing the best they can at their job without having to allow the mind to preoccupy itself by reading in between the lines at every other person's gestures and behaviors.
When and as I catch myself reading in between the lines, where I assume that 2 people are talking about me, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself: "how can I be so sure they are talking about me?" and then I commit to watching my thoughts without judging them.
When and as I catch myself feeling some emotion in my body regarding another coworker, I stop and I breathe and I tell myself that I am simply fueling my mind with energy via polarity, as I have created in my mind a winner and a loser and therefore for that person to emerge as a winner means that I emerge as a lower. I commit to with breath to break this pattern of comparing myself to whoever as this is only participating in polarity constructs where I fail to see myself as one and equal to the being.
I guess what I am holding on to is the fear that I am not going to be liked or appreciated in the workplace. My mind makes up all sort of stories to cling onto the desire of energy creation via emotions and feelings.
What is this coworker telling me?
They are telling me that I allow myself to fear that I am not liked or appreciated and therefore they are threatening me.
They are telling me that I am a victim and a prisoner to my emotions.
They are telling me that I am automatically competing with them by allowing myself to compare me with them
Why do I fear not being liked?
My childhood experiences and upbringing have always conditioned me to be a nice girl.
Why is that?
Wanting to be liked also implied that I get to be part of a group as opposed to being all by myself due to bullying.
Wanting to be liked also implied being praised for being good which feeds into the energy loop.
Wanting to be liked means avoiding being gossiped about negatively because I take it to heart and I am scared my reputation would be ruined.
What can I learn about myself from all this?
I obviously do not love and accept myself because I am relying on the approval of other people to give me that indication that I am a good human being. I see myself as less than what other people perceive of me.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek the approval of others so that I can validate my feeling of being a good person.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to need to be part of a group or else I will feel lonely and left out.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see me as not equal to other people because I need other people to tell me that I am on the right track in my path of being the nicest person in the universe
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek this desire of really wanting to possess a good and caring personality.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to become like Mother Theresa or Lady Diana as in becoming someone who does a lot of good for the world by providing a nurturing personality and therefore earning the title of being the godliest people.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire this energy from seeking appreciation from others to validate my feelings.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to play the game of competition, where if my coworker is perceived as being a winner because of her hard work, then that means that I am the loser in this battle, as to have a winner means to have a loser
When and as I see myself feeling anxious when someone else is being labelled as nice and great, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this behavior is just feeding my mind and what other people are perceived as have nothing to do with me and therefore, I commit to not internalizing those anxious movement inside my body by telling myself that if they are good then that is who they are, and who they are does not imply that I am an unworthy person.
When and as I see myself wanting to be part of a group at work, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that this longing for wanting to fit in is nothing but a program that is running in my mind. I therefore commit to stand up and realize that just because I have to work with coworkers does not mean that they have to become my best friends. In addition, I realize that one can't choose coworkers and therefore what one needs to do is just focus on doing the best they can at their job without having to allow the mind to preoccupy itself by reading in between the lines at every other person's gestures and behaviors.
When and as I catch myself reading in between the lines, where I assume that 2 people are talking about me, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself: "how can I be so sure they are talking about me?" and then I commit to watching my thoughts without judging them.
When and as I catch myself feeling some emotion in my body regarding another coworker, I stop and I breathe and I tell myself that I am simply fueling my mind with energy via polarity, as I have created in my mind a winner and a loser and therefore for that person to emerge as a winner means that I emerge as a lower. I commit to with breath to break this pattern of comparing myself to whoever as this is only participating in polarity constructs where I fail to see myself as one and equal to the being.
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Day 2: Self Forgiveness on Work Related Issues
I forgive myself for allowing myself to allow a single event in the past to continue to run into my mind and create feelings of avoidance, guilt, embarassment, regret and judgement towards C.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that in this world, people respond with niceness and care when it comes to confrontations because this is what I have seen throughout my life and therefore assumed that in the real world it will be the same.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge someone as being a 'racist' and non-compassionate because of the words and actions they participated in, not looking at the context to see if their point was valid or not because I assumed that judging is a bad thing and that they should not be judging others.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to take things personally when a coworker was trying to just defend her point of view regarding ethnicities about the way she sees things based on her ideas and perceptions- where she would bring up points that are valid for her that do not necessarily reflect the truth.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to read in between the lines whenever I see my coworkers quietly talk with one another, assuming that they are talking negatively about me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like a victim in all situations at work, via my participation in keeping quiet as opposed to standing up and telling them what I feel and think whenever I feel that I am doing more than my share.
When and as I see myself experiencing emotions at work due to coworkers talking to each other, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this emotions are simply based on what my mind is perceiving and do not depict the actual reality of the situation. I correct this to switching the mindset from feeling like a victim to saying : "I will not allow my mind to make preconceived judgements about anything because that is simply fueling energy for the mind to exist."
When and as I see myself judging someone else, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that judging someone is simply starting off from wanting to believe that I am right, therefore feeding my ego, and therefore this discussion will simply be a battle between defending 2 egos as opposed to practically listening to the other person and simply understanding from where they are coming from. I commit to being in the present via actively listening to the words and sentences the other coworker says and not allowing my mind to form any sorts of internal backchat and judgements about them. When the person is done talking, then that conversation is brought to an end and I continue to do my work duties.
When and as I see myself not understanding why everyone can't just be nice or make an effort to get along, I stop and I breathe. I realize that we all come from our own internal battles and that manifests in the actual world through our words and deeds. I also realize that this perception of wanting everyone to be nice to one another is simply another way to tell myself that I do not want to confront and stand up to others because I hate fights. I realize that by keeping quiet and not participating in other people's actions/deeds that I am in fact not allowing their pattern and behavior to influence me. I therefore commit to whenever being faced with condescending remarks or complaints from coworkers to breathe, and not allow myself to suck up to them or curse them internally as doing so means participating in the polarity construct. Instead, I pause, breathe and remain silent as a way to not allow my participation in something that does not promote what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that in this world, people respond with niceness and care when it comes to confrontations because this is what I have seen throughout my life and therefore assumed that in the real world it will be the same.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge someone as being a 'racist' and non-compassionate because of the words and actions they participated in, not looking at the context to see if their point was valid or not because I assumed that judging is a bad thing and that they should not be judging others.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to take things personally when a coworker was trying to just defend her point of view regarding ethnicities about the way she sees things based on her ideas and perceptions- where she would bring up points that are valid for her that do not necessarily reflect the truth.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to read in between the lines whenever I see my coworkers quietly talk with one another, assuming that they are talking negatively about me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like a victim in all situations at work, via my participation in keeping quiet as opposed to standing up and telling them what I feel and think whenever I feel that I am doing more than my share.
When and as I see myself experiencing emotions at work due to coworkers talking to each other, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this emotions are simply based on what my mind is perceiving and do not depict the actual reality of the situation. I correct this to switching the mindset from feeling like a victim to saying : "I will not allow my mind to make preconceived judgements about anything because that is simply fueling energy for the mind to exist."
When and as I see myself judging someone else, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that judging someone is simply starting off from wanting to believe that I am right, therefore feeding my ego, and therefore this discussion will simply be a battle between defending 2 egos as opposed to practically listening to the other person and simply understanding from where they are coming from. I commit to being in the present via actively listening to the words and sentences the other coworker says and not allowing my mind to form any sorts of internal backchat and judgements about them. When the person is done talking, then that conversation is brought to an end and I continue to do my work duties.
When and as I see myself not understanding why everyone can't just be nice or make an effort to get along, I stop and I breathe. I realize that we all come from our own internal battles and that manifests in the actual world through our words and deeds. I also realize that this perception of wanting everyone to be nice to one another is simply another way to tell myself that I do not want to confront and stand up to others because I hate fights. I realize that by keeping quiet and not participating in other people's actions/deeds that I am in fact not allowing their pattern and behavior to influence me. I therefore commit to whenever being faced with condescending remarks or complaints from coworkers to breathe, and not allow myself to suck up to them or curse them internally as doing so means participating in the polarity construct. Instead, I pause, breathe and remain silent as a way to not allow my participation in something that does not promote what is best for all.
Monday, 2 September 2013
Continuation to coworker dynamics
Day 1
I just finished listening to a really great interview on 'taking things personally'. And what I realized in that interview is that the whole mechanism of taking things personally is just another system which promotes distrust. Distrust as in a form of separation which involves a person not fully expressing themselves with another being due to some misunderstanding which took place in the past at a given point of time. As I look back, I realize that the one part where I have failed to let go of the past and created a lot of friction between me and another girl was last March. In that incident, I had unintentionally decided to allow my ego to get the best of me into dictating an outcome which I wanted to have to benefit myself, as opposed to realizing that what was best for all, was simply to allow myself to let go of any point of friction that I had accumulated over time in relation to that one incident. There are indeed a few dimensions to that one incident to consider.
1. The notion that I had taken some nights shifts just to help out due to my wanting to help out and perhaps that may have also entailed me trying to be a 'hero' and coming to the rescue. That point of being a hero backfired because soon, I ended up resenting the fact that it had always been me who has been helping out to provide coverage for graveyards. SO I went from feeling heroic to feeling zeroic as I felt that I was taken for granted and abused by the system.
2. There was an expectation that others behave the way I did as in also doing their share to help out with the lab because of the notion that we should all work as a team and help the lab in those hard times. This is something that I had placed and created because of the belief that life should be fair and equal and that this is the way to be. There seems to be a feeling of righteousness in that. When I did not see others stepping up, I convinced myself that they are treating me as a slave and that got me really mad at some coworkers where I lost trust in them to the point where I just didn't want to talk to them anymore and isolate myself from the rest of the crew. This expectation caused me to create a miscommunication between me and another being and I ended up taking things personally.
3. The notion that I had done my share and communicated with the bosses that there needs to be a better system in place to promote fairness in the workplace as my position always forces me to stay in the lab due to operational requirements. The fact that nothing has ever been done about it has always put me at a position where I experience both suppression and anger at the management and coworkers who refuse to participate in night's coverage.
4. The notion that I get mad at this one person, who is a really nice and caring person, but who refuses to provide coverage due to her extreme fear of working by herself. The battle between being righteous as in she should do her share because she works in this lab versus realizing that what is best for all is not to have her work as this can compromise patient safety is always going on inside of me.
5. The notion that the person who I ended up having the miscommunication with came across just by asserting herself and she had her own reasons to answer the way she did. It it just not the way I would have communicated because I have always been taught to never be too blunt and direct as that can hurt someone else's feelings. This notion has always stuck to me and that is a point that I have had a really hard time letting go when I relocated countries. I failed to realize that I can't control what another being takes from a situation. I can only control me. If someone chooses to take things personally when one is asserting themselves, then it is their problem.
6. The fear that I will be not appreciated and not liked. Throughout my life as I looked back, I have always been praised for being the kid who is really nice and I had gotten used to that concept. It seems that as I grew up, being nice was what I had identified myself to become and therefore all I did was acts that promoted being liked and appreciated. What I failed to realize is that this was just another way of promoting my ego because wanting to be liked and appreciated by others just means that I don't like myself enough and therefore seek the approval of others to feed that gap.
7. Fear of being gossiped about. Fear of being gossiped about ties into the notion that my reputation will be compromised to such an extend that I will not be liked again.
8. Failure to let go of that one memory which has lead me to create distrust and friction between me and that other coworker. It came to the point where I was experiencing anxiety at the thought of having to see her or work with her and currently I am playing the avoidance game so that I don't have to deal with her anymore. That one memory has also created resentment in me to the point where I just wish I did not have to go to work anymore and face consequences. I also noticed my relationship with another mutual coworker started to fade as in I had lost trust in that being as well because of her close relationship with the other being who I had the issue with.
Some realizations that I came to understand regarding this whole situation.
1. I am still dwelling on the past in the sense that I am still allowing that memory to ruin me. If I were to take a look at how things are currently with both coworkers, we are able to communicate and talk about general things. We do not argue much any more and whenever we converse, I listen to the other person's viewpoints from and objective starting point. I do not always agree with them and sometimes they tend to act a bit extreme when they start calling other people names. However, it does not affect me anymore because I am starting to realize that this is their nature and their nature has nothing to do with me. I have noticed also that the conversations we used to have in the past where one of them talked about ethnicity do not happen any longer. It seems that the person came to the realization that they needed to really revise their words and statements before expressing them. I can see that change in them because at the time all this was going on, I had reacted in anger and started to not talk to them anymore and since that episode I noticed that they began to change and not talk about races.
2. The taking it personally character came instantaneously whenever I read that email as if it was already programmed in me. I realize therefore that I am participating in a system that has taken me up. And that system is what is causing a lot of distrust in me and my relationship with others. I have allowed myself to not accept myself for who I am because of my acceptance in placing what other people perceive of me first.
3. The placement of expectations as in if you do something nice, then you expect the other person/people to reciprocate that act. The funny thing is that all religions tell you to give without expecting. Yet, in real life, that concept seems really hard to live by because we all want a fair an even exchange. What I now realize is that in the case of accepting to do graveyards, the only means of exchange was labor for money and nothing else. The idea that I believe that we should all do our share is just a wish and it is not based on the concept of what is best for all but rather what is best for me as in me demanding that all of us participate. What I now realize is that what is best for all also entails who is the person/people best suited to perform night duties to ensure patient safety. That is something that I thought about constantly as an attempt to balance out the negative charges that I had accumulated through feeling angry that some of us were not participating. Yet, it never occurred to me that some people are just not suited to do nights because they have their own fears and they have young kids to fend for.
4. I so badly want to make things right again between me and the other coworker where I deliberately force myself to try to make conversations with her to attempt to regain her trust. That also ties with me not accepting myself for who I am as I so badly want to retrieve my status of wanting to be liked.
I just finished listening to a really great interview on 'taking things personally'. And what I realized in that interview is that the whole mechanism of taking things personally is just another system which promotes distrust. Distrust as in a form of separation which involves a person not fully expressing themselves with another being due to some misunderstanding which took place in the past at a given point of time. As I look back, I realize that the one part where I have failed to let go of the past and created a lot of friction between me and another girl was last March. In that incident, I had unintentionally decided to allow my ego to get the best of me into dictating an outcome which I wanted to have to benefit myself, as opposed to realizing that what was best for all, was simply to allow myself to let go of any point of friction that I had accumulated over time in relation to that one incident. There are indeed a few dimensions to that one incident to consider.
1. The notion that I had taken some nights shifts just to help out due to my wanting to help out and perhaps that may have also entailed me trying to be a 'hero' and coming to the rescue. That point of being a hero backfired because soon, I ended up resenting the fact that it had always been me who has been helping out to provide coverage for graveyards. SO I went from feeling heroic to feeling zeroic as I felt that I was taken for granted and abused by the system.
2. There was an expectation that others behave the way I did as in also doing their share to help out with the lab because of the notion that we should all work as a team and help the lab in those hard times. This is something that I had placed and created because of the belief that life should be fair and equal and that this is the way to be. There seems to be a feeling of righteousness in that. When I did not see others stepping up, I convinced myself that they are treating me as a slave and that got me really mad at some coworkers where I lost trust in them to the point where I just didn't want to talk to them anymore and isolate myself from the rest of the crew. This expectation caused me to create a miscommunication between me and another being and I ended up taking things personally.
3. The notion that I had done my share and communicated with the bosses that there needs to be a better system in place to promote fairness in the workplace as my position always forces me to stay in the lab due to operational requirements. The fact that nothing has ever been done about it has always put me at a position where I experience both suppression and anger at the management and coworkers who refuse to participate in night's coverage.
4. The notion that I get mad at this one person, who is a really nice and caring person, but who refuses to provide coverage due to her extreme fear of working by herself. The battle between being righteous as in she should do her share because she works in this lab versus realizing that what is best for all is not to have her work as this can compromise patient safety is always going on inside of me.
5. The notion that the person who I ended up having the miscommunication with came across just by asserting herself and she had her own reasons to answer the way she did. It it just not the way I would have communicated because I have always been taught to never be too blunt and direct as that can hurt someone else's feelings. This notion has always stuck to me and that is a point that I have had a really hard time letting go when I relocated countries. I failed to realize that I can't control what another being takes from a situation. I can only control me. If someone chooses to take things personally when one is asserting themselves, then it is their problem.
6. The fear that I will be not appreciated and not liked. Throughout my life as I looked back, I have always been praised for being the kid who is really nice and I had gotten used to that concept. It seems that as I grew up, being nice was what I had identified myself to become and therefore all I did was acts that promoted being liked and appreciated. What I failed to realize is that this was just another way of promoting my ego because wanting to be liked and appreciated by others just means that I don't like myself enough and therefore seek the approval of others to feed that gap.
7. Fear of being gossiped about. Fear of being gossiped about ties into the notion that my reputation will be compromised to such an extend that I will not be liked again.
8. Failure to let go of that one memory which has lead me to create distrust and friction between me and that other coworker. It came to the point where I was experiencing anxiety at the thought of having to see her or work with her and currently I am playing the avoidance game so that I don't have to deal with her anymore. That one memory has also created resentment in me to the point where I just wish I did not have to go to work anymore and face consequences. I also noticed my relationship with another mutual coworker started to fade as in I had lost trust in that being as well because of her close relationship with the other being who I had the issue with.
Some realizations that I came to understand regarding this whole situation.
1. I am still dwelling on the past in the sense that I am still allowing that memory to ruin me. If I were to take a look at how things are currently with both coworkers, we are able to communicate and talk about general things. We do not argue much any more and whenever we converse, I listen to the other person's viewpoints from and objective starting point. I do not always agree with them and sometimes they tend to act a bit extreme when they start calling other people names. However, it does not affect me anymore because I am starting to realize that this is their nature and their nature has nothing to do with me. I have noticed also that the conversations we used to have in the past where one of them talked about ethnicity do not happen any longer. It seems that the person came to the realization that they needed to really revise their words and statements before expressing them. I can see that change in them because at the time all this was going on, I had reacted in anger and started to not talk to them anymore and since that episode I noticed that they began to change and not talk about races.
2. The taking it personally character came instantaneously whenever I read that email as if it was already programmed in me. I realize therefore that I am participating in a system that has taken me up. And that system is what is causing a lot of distrust in me and my relationship with others. I have allowed myself to not accept myself for who I am because of my acceptance in placing what other people perceive of me first.
3. The placement of expectations as in if you do something nice, then you expect the other person/people to reciprocate that act. The funny thing is that all religions tell you to give without expecting. Yet, in real life, that concept seems really hard to live by because we all want a fair an even exchange. What I now realize is that in the case of accepting to do graveyards, the only means of exchange was labor for money and nothing else. The idea that I believe that we should all do our share is just a wish and it is not based on the concept of what is best for all but rather what is best for me as in me demanding that all of us participate. What I now realize is that what is best for all also entails who is the person/people best suited to perform night duties to ensure patient safety. That is something that I thought about constantly as an attempt to balance out the negative charges that I had accumulated through feeling angry that some of us were not participating. Yet, it never occurred to me that some people are just not suited to do nights because they have their own fears and they have young kids to fend for.
4. I so badly want to make things right again between me and the other coworker where I deliberately force myself to try to make conversations with her to attempt to regain her trust. That also ties with me not accepting myself for who I am as I so badly want to retrieve my status of wanting to be liked.
Saturday, 20 October 2012
What I am learning from my coworker
AFter reading the comments on my previous blog on this specific coworker of mine who I judged to be negatively impacting me, I decided to investigate further what this coworker is telling me about myself. In other words, where I fit in this picture so that I can realize a lot of things.
I find this coworker getting annoyed so easily at almost every situation that you can get annoyed about.
Here are some examples of instances:
1. When nurses order urine tests on every patient in the Emergency room, she gets annoyed at that especially if the diagnosis of the patient is something where you don't really think that a urine test is needed.
She also tends to not deal with the urine tests right away because she thinks that they can wait. When the nurses call and ask for patient results, she tells them : "well, the urine test won't really change the diagnosis of the patient, would it?" She then comes to whine to me about that. Where do I see myself in this? Well, I feel the same about the excessive amount of orders for urine tests. Yet, I don't say much to anyone. I do feel angry sometimes at the nurse for just ordering the test but I don't see myself whining and complaining about it. I tend to just accept it and do my job. After talking to my friend A about it, he told me that what you are doing is self supressing yourself. The coworker T. is just revealing what you are trying to suppress. I guess T is somewhat of a reflection of me. SF : I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience emotions of anger, fustration, pain, nuisance and disbelief at the nurses and also at T whenever she whines about the situation. I realize by doing so, I have participated in this mind construct enslavement pattern. The next time I have to perform urine tests or any other tests that we question to be unecessary and if I start to experience feelings of anger inside of me, I stop, breathe and tell myself that the reason I am able to get a paycheque is via these tests. Therefore, I commit myself to performing my duties without any emotions involved because what is best for all is delivering great patient care and I ensure that I do all I can in my control to deliver proper care.
2. When certain trauma cases happen where there is an amount of stress such as having to work fast or phoning other healthcare workers or just processing tests fast, she tends to get fustrated and starts to take
it out by complaining and whining that the system is shitty and that the ward needs to revisit their decisions of handling the patient. . Whenever she starts to feel fustrated, I often find that I participate in her reactions by taking things personally. For instance, if I deliver to her a sample, she will get pissed off and say things regarding the nurse, and I often get mad because I am like : "come on, shut up and just do your job!" or her reaction/curse words used would cause me to just crush and fade like a flower under a heavy weight. SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to react with anger, fustration, pain, madness at T in my head because I judge her work mannerism and I find that they suck because i believe that my work ethics are right. I realize that by judging her I have put myself in a higher position and creating inequality and operated from the point of self- righteousness. I realize that judging someone is participating in the mind system causing more charge and enslavement. I commit myself to : Whenever a similar situation happens where I feel that T is evoking emotions, I breathe, stand back and now assume the role of an observer as opposed to being in that situation. I observe her and do not allow myself to participate in any reaction/emotion/gossip that my mind may make me think at that time. I focus entirely on my work and walk away if I have to to perform my own duties.
3. She has an issue with immigrants coming into the country and not working but ending up getting a pension because of their age. She also whines if she looks at the diagnosis of a patient and judges them for bringing diseases into the country if these patients happen to be immigrants or tourists eg Malaria. I tend to take that personally because most immigrants are from Asia and when she complains about the system, I feel that sometimes she is seeing other ethnicities as unequal to her. SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience feelings of inferiority because of my ethnicity. I realize that by me taking her personally when she judges other races, I am not seeing myself as one and equal to her and I am self sabotaging myself. I realize that I am also participating in the mind system by experiencing anger, shame, embarassment, bitterness and fustration towards T. The next time she says something about a patient who is of color, I stop and breathe. I stand up, raise my chin, and become an observer. I let her vent, remain silent and do not allow my mind or myself to participate in this conflict via the mind gossip or internal judgements. I realize that the more I will allow myself to be crushed with her attitude, the more I am creating such situations. I realize that me taking things personally is just self sabotage and I commit myself to push myself to walk through this point of mine through breath.
4. She gets annoyed with certain assistants because of bad work ethics. Most of them happen to be of color and therefore as above, I used to take her personally as above. I now realise after talking to another coworker that she is not a racist, plus that those lab assistants indeed had bad work ethics but because I had judged her as being prejudiced, I automatically took her personally when she would tell me that this MLA is doing a bad job. SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience feelings of inferiority because of my ethnicity. I realize that by me taking her personally when she judges other races, I am not seeing myself as one and equal to her and I am self sabotaging myself. I realize that I am also participating in the mind system by experiencing anger, shame, embarassment, bitterness and fustration towards T. I correct this to: The next time she says that an assistant is performing a bda job, I step back, take a breath and ask her :"what can we do to rectify the situation?" And based on the conversation, I take 100% responsibility to correct it. I do not allow my mind and feelings to make me judge her or gossip about her, I simply assess the situation and do what is required and what is best for the job.
5. She gossips about everyone behind their back. For instance, she gossips about A to me and with A she may gossip about me. I tend to fear gossip and whenever someone gossips or says something about me, I instantly experience feelings of fear and anxiety in me. Therefore I end up moulding myself in a way where I am not natural, but try to stay away from her as much as possible and avoid having to talk to her to prevent situations from happening where I give her a chance to gossip about me. SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear and feel anxious about someone gossiping about me. I realize that people only gossip about a negative situation that did not turn out to their liking. I realize that people should take responsibility and make their point across to the other person and not spread gossips to others in an attempt to just avoid talking to them to make their point across. I forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress myself when I want to make my point across to T but failed to do so because I fear her reaction and the consequence which is creation of more gossips in the workplace. I forgive myself for participating in the mind system by allowing emotions and feelings to rule me over. I forgive myself for allowing myself to internally in my mind gossip about her by having all sort of thoughts about her. I realize that by me gossiping about her using my mind, I am not putting an end to this point of gossip, but rather ensuring its continuity. I correct this to: The next time something comes up where I fear being gossiped, I stop and breath a few times until I no longer experience any pang of fear/guilt/anxiety inside of me. I tell myself : "If people do not have the guts to say something in my face, then the gossip is obviously unecessary." I also realize that when people talk about me, they are talking about me in a situation that had previously happened and if they were not pleased with the way the situation had been dealt with, then they would have pointed that across to someone else, without necessarily having the intention to downgrade me as person. I realize therefore that people only talk about me due to some work related manner which they hope that I would do differently. Therefore, they are not necessarily gossiping, but describing how they would have wanted the situation to unfold. I therefore stop, breathe, understand where the person is coming from and correct myself to ensuring that in the future, I direct myself to doing what is practical in the situation.
I find this coworker getting annoyed so easily at almost every situation that you can get annoyed about.
Here are some examples of instances:
1. When nurses order urine tests on every patient in the Emergency room, she gets annoyed at that especially if the diagnosis of the patient is something where you don't really think that a urine test is needed.
She also tends to not deal with the urine tests right away because she thinks that they can wait. When the nurses call and ask for patient results, she tells them : "well, the urine test won't really change the diagnosis of the patient, would it?" She then comes to whine to me about that. Where do I see myself in this? Well, I feel the same about the excessive amount of orders for urine tests. Yet, I don't say much to anyone. I do feel angry sometimes at the nurse for just ordering the test but I don't see myself whining and complaining about it. I tend to just accept it and do my job. After talking to my friend A about it, he told me that what you are doing is self supressing yourself. The coworker T. is just revealing what you are trying to suppress. I guess T is somewhat of a reflection of me. SF : I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience emotions of anger, fustration, pain, nuisance and disbelief at the nurses and also at T whenever she whines about the situation. I realize by doing so, I have participated in this mind construct enslavement pattern. The next time I have to perform urine tests or any other tests that we question to be unecessary and if I start to experience feelings of anger inside of me, I stop, breathe and tell myself that the reason I am able to get a paycheque is via these tests. Therefore, I commit myself to performing my duties without any emotions involved because what is best for all is delivering great patient care and I ensure that I do all I can in my control to deliver proper care.
2. When certain trauma cases happen where there is an amount of stress such as having to work fast or phoning other healthcare workers or just processing tests fast, she tends to get fustrated and starts to take
it out by complaining and whining that the system is shitty and that the ward needs to revisit their decisions of handling the patient. . Whenever she starts to feel fustrated, I often find that I participate in her reactions by taking things personally. For instance, if I deliver to her a sample, she will get pissed off and say things regarding the nurse, and I often get mad because I am like : "come on, shut up and just do your job!" or her reaction/curse words used would cause me to just crush and fade like a flower under a heavy weight. SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to react with anger, fustration, pain, madness at T in my head because I judge her work mannerism and I find that they suck because i believe that my work ethics are right. I realize that by judging her I have put myself in a higher position and creating inequality and operated from the point of self- righteousness. I realize that judging someone is participating in the mind system causing more charge and enslavement. I commit myself to : Whenever a similar situation happens where I feel that T is evoking emotions, I breathe, stand back and now assume the role of an observer as opposed to being in that situation. I observe her and do not allow myself to participate in any reaction/emotion/gossip that my mind may make me think at that time. I focus entirely on my work and walk away if I have to to perform my own duties.
3. She has an issue with immigrants coming into the country and not working but ending up getting a pension because of their age. She also whines if she looks at the diagnosis of a patient and judges them for bringing diseases into the country if these patients happen to be immigrants or tourists eg Malaria. I tend to take that personally because most immigrants are from Asia and when she complains about the system, I feel that sometimes she is seeing other ethnicities as unequal to her. SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience feelings of inferiority because of my ethnicity. I realize that by me taking her personally when she judges other races, I am not seeing myself as one and equal to her and I am self sabotaging myself. I realize that I am also participating in the mind system by experiencing anger, shame, embarassment, bitterness and fustration towards T. The next time she says something about a patient who is of color, I stop and breathe. I stand up, raise my chin, and become an observer. I let her vent, remain silent and do not allow my mind or myself to participate in this conflict via the mind gossip or internal judgements. I realize that the more I will allow myself to be crushed with her attitude, the more I am creating such situations. I realize that me taking things personally is just self sabotage and I commit myself to push myself to walk through this point of mine through breath.
4. She gets annoyed with certain assistants because of bad work ethics. Most of them happen to be of color and therefore as above, I used to take her personally as above. I now realise after talking to another coworker that she is not a racist, plus that those lab assistants indeed had bad work ethics but because I had judged her as being prejudiced, I automatically took her personally when she would tell me that this MLA is doing a bad job. SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to experience feelings of inferiority because of my ethnicity. I realize that by me taking her personally when she judges other races, I am not seeing myself as one and equal to her and I am self sabotaging myself. I realize that I am also participating in the mind system by experiencing anger, shame, embarassment, bitterness and fustration towards T. I correct this to: The next time she says that an assistant is performing a bda job, I step back, take a breath and ask her :"what can we do to rectify the situation?" And based on the conversation, I take 100% responsibility to correct it. I do not allow my mind and feelings to make me judge her or gossip about her, I simply assess the situation and do what is required and what is best for the job.
5. She gossips about everyone behind their back. For instance, she gossips about A to me and with A she may gossip about me. I tend to fear gossip and whenever someone gossips or says something about me, I instantly experience feelings of fear and anxiety in me. Therefore I end up moulding myself in a way where I am not natural, but try to stay away from her as much as possible and avoid having to talk to her to prevent situations from happening where I give her a chance to gossip about me. SF: I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear and feel anxious about someone gossiping about me. I realize that people only gossip about a negative situation that did not turn out to their liking. I realize that people should take responsibility and make their point across to the other person and not spread gossips to others in an attempt to just avoid talking to them to make their point across. I forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress myself when I want to make my point across to T but failed to do so because I fear her reaction and the consequence which is creation of more gossips in the workplace. I forgive myself for participating in the mind system by allowing emotions and feelings to rule me over. I forgive myself for allowing myself to internally in my mind gossip about her by having all sort of thoughts about her. I realize that by me gossiping about her using my mind, I am not putting an end to this point of gossip, but rather ensuring its continuity. I correct this to: The next time something comes up where I fear being gossiped, I stop and breath a few times until I no longer experience any pang of fear/guilt/anxiety inside of me. I tell myself : "If people do not have the guts to say something in my face, then the gossip is obviously unecessary." I also realize that when people talk about me, they are talking about me in a situation that had previously happened and if they were not pleased with the way the situation had been dealt with, then they would have pointed that across to someone else, without necessarily having the intention to downgrade me as person. I realize therefore that people only talk about me due to some work related manner which they hope that I would do differently. Therefore, they are not necessarily gossiping, but describing how they would have wanted the situation to unfold. I therefore stop, breathe, understand where the person is coming from and correct myself to ensuring that in the future, I direct myself to doing what is practical in the situation.
Saturday, 13 October 2012
Coworker's negative behavior affecting me
A few days ago, an incident happened at work that got me really disgusted and fustrated with a specific coworker. A patient had drowned and they ended up in the Emergency Dept at the hospital I work at. The health care professionals were doing all they could to resuscitate the person. Our task in this was to analyze this patient's sample as fast as possible and phone the doctor and give them results.
It happened to be that we were getting numerous samples one after the other from the patient and this particular hospital I work at is not defined as a trauma center where trauma cases as such are usually seen.
Having done my training at a trauma center, I was well aware of how to deal with these kinds of situations as they arise because at that training hospital I was told to work fast and accurately. However, my coworker that evening ended up getting really annoyed and fustrated as more and more samples from this patient came in. She told me that the doctors should really be considering transferring that patient elsewhere as we are not equipped to handle such cases. On one hand, she was right. On the other, patients need to be stabilized first before they are shipped to other hospitals and that was what the doctors and nurses were attempting to do.
My main concern that evening was 'why is this one coworker so annoyed everytime she sees a case like this?' She always seems to complain and question what other healthcare professionals seek for as opposed to just accepting orders and doing her job. It almost seemed as if she just didn't want to work for patients or she was doing her profession not from the standpoint of really wanting to help patients heal. And what if that patient happened to be her brother, how would she react to that?
I noticed I started to get really angry inside but didn't allow myself to force this anger on her because I know from experience it would end up being a gossip show where she would just end up gossiping about me to the whole world. Instead, I just swallowed my anger and continued to work. Yesterday, I decided I was going my supervisor know about this incident because I felt that was taking 100% responsibility to at least spread the word out about attitudes and workplace.
I realized also that there were 2 main points that arose in this particular incident. I realized that I feared being gossiped about and because of that I didn't want to talk to the person to let her know how I felt. I also allowed my emotions to enslave me by reacting to the situation and experiencing all forms of emotions such as anger and fustration at this person.
Here is the self forgiveness in relation to this:
It happened to be that we were getting numerous samples one after the other from the patient and this particular hospital I work at is not defined as a trauma center where trauma cases as such are usually seen.
Having done my training at a trauma center, I was well aware of how to deal with these kinds of situations as they arise because at that training hospital I was told to work fast and accurately. However, my coworker that evening ended up getting really annoyed and fustrated as more and more samples from this patient came in. She told me that the doctors should really be considering transferring that patient elsewhere as we are not equipped to handle such cases. On one hand, she was right. On the other, patients need to be stabilized first before they are shipped to other hospitals and that was what the doctors and nurses were attempting to do.
My main concern that evening was 'why is this one coworker so annoyed everytime she sees a case like this?' She always seems to complain and question what other healthcare professionals seek for as opposed to just accepting orders and doing her job. It almost seemed as if she just didn't want to work for patients or she was doing her profession not from the standpoint of really wanting to help patients heal. And what if that patient happened to be her brother, how would she react to that?
I noticed I started to get really angry inside but didn't allow myself to force this anger on her because I know from experience it would end up being a gossip show where she would just end up gossiping about me to the whole world. Instead, I just swallowed my anger and continued to work. Yesterday, I decided I was going my supervisor know about this incident because I felt that was taking 100% responsibility to at least spread the word out about attitudes and workplace.
I realized also that there were 2 main points that arose in this particular incident. I realized that I feared being gossiped about and because of that I didn't want to talk to the person to let her know how I felt. I also allowed my emotions to enslave me by reacting to the situation and experiencing all forms of emotions such as anger and fustration at this person.
Here is the self forgiveness in relation to this:
I forgive myself for allowing myself to allow backchats to influence me and render me silent, depressed, anxious and miserable. I realize that I have the power to stop backchats if I choose to do so.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being not liked. I realize that by me fearing that that I end up moulding myself in a way to try to prevent people from disliking me and therefore not expressing myself completely, not living and breathing myself but existing for others as opposed to for myself. I now realize that by pretending to be someone else, I have also rendered myself as a victim and made my life more miserable by allowing emotions such as anger, pain, sorrow, frustration and bitterness to prevail. I realize that when I am moulding myself to express ‘someone else’ but me that the type of relationships I am creating with people is not the type I want to create as these people like the fake personality I am expressing as opposed to true being of me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear gossip, thus making decisions in an attempt to avoid gossips as opposed to realizing that I have to do what is required and best for all. I now realize that gossip only reflects who one is as in one being a nasty person and has nothing to do with me. I forgive myself for allowing myself to not do ‘corrected reports’ at work because I fear that my supervisor would go and tell the whole lab that I had made a mistake and gossip about it so that she can satisfy her own ego and personality design. I realize that by not doing the ‘corrected report’ I have placed myself in a more vulnerable position with regards to my job security because I have not followed the procedures that the job required and instead tried to avoid having to confront my supervisor by not correcting the mistake. I realize that eventually the mistake was shown to me by my supervisor because she had fished through patient reports and saw the mistake I was trying to cover up and that is the consequence of me wanting to evade the situation at all cost. I forgive myself for allowing myself to get angry at the situation, at myself and at the boss for finding out about this mistake because of my fear of being gossiped about by her in the lab.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be ruled by T who is another co-worker who tends to enjoy gossiping about other people. I realize that by me fuelling the gossip in an attempt to win her friendship that I am allowing the mind consciousness system to work as opposed to just stopping it by giving her mind and mine the energy to drive the gossip further.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel bad whenever I bring something up to T regarding work to make sure we are delivery good patient care because she tends to get annoyed when people say something to her. I realize that when she gets annoyed I start feelings emotions of anger, panic, anxiety, fear, wanting to withdraw and resentment because I fear that she will judge me and start gossiping behind my back. I realize that her being annoyed is just part of who she exists as in her chosen personality. I realize also that I do not have any control over what she chooses to accept and allow and therefore if she reacts in a certain way, that is not grounds for me to taking her personally.
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