This is a continuation to my previous blog on Who I am within current relationships at work. In this blog, I am being more specific in the sense that I will choose 1 coworker at a time and really investigate where I see myself in relation to that particular relationship.
What I did first is write down a list of all my coworkers. Then I placed check marks or cross marks next to each name suggesting whether I trust them or like them. Out of 30 or so coworkers, it came down to me only distrusting 4 coworkers namely: TL, CM, TE, JW, ?CR, ?LF, ?MB ?RK. Some are questionable as to whether I can trust them or like them because of failure to investigate deeper.
So I shall start with TL.
Positive traits that I appreciate about her:
She has a sweet voice whenever she is happy. She tries to remain calm whenever issues need to be addressed to me. She knows that I am sensitive by nature so she tries to be careful to me whenever she has to talk to me.
Flipside of her.
She is a micro-manager and is condescending.
Backchats
I wish she would just talk to me without blaming and not micromanage.
She is herself not efficient in her job, so why is she blaming me for something.
How true are these backchats?
Initially, I was angry at her because of the feedback I had received from other coworkers who always have something to complain about her.
I felt she was picking on me.
Recently, she has been not talking to me unless there is an important topic which needs to be brought up. And when she does bring it up, she is quite diplomatic about it and hasn't really been that mean.
Where do I see myself in this coworker dynamic?
Whenever
she is condascending, I tend to automatically feel this instant emotion
in my body, which I describe as fear of anticipation that says: "oh oh. I
am in trouble. Shit! Now what". I feel like a victim trapped in fear of being in trouble.
Sometimes I may take it personally when I feel she picks on me, which does not seem to happen much anymore.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I will be in trouble from my superiors. I realize that no matter how much I would love to be perfect and never make mistakes that this is just something that will never happen due to the complexity of contexts. When and as I see myself fearing that I will be in trouble, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this is a learning curve, and that when something is being brought up to my attention that I just need to focus on what is being present and learn from it, ensuring that such mistakes are not repeated again.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to take things personally whenever I felt/feel that TL picks on me. I realize that this is just part of who she is and by reacting to that, I instantly put myself in the victim's shoes. When and as I see myself taking things personally, I pause and I breathe. I realize that this reaction is only simply telling me that I am allowing my own self beliefs to sabotage me, where I exist as a personality and want to have my personality validated to ensure its survival. I commit to taking a step back, and looking at the context with a practical mind and asking myself where I fit in that context, as in is she really being nasty or is she just pointing something to me that I need to look into for the sake of patient safety and protocols.
Monday, 14 October 2013
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Day 3: Who Am I within this relationship?
Today a coworker visited me at home. I asked her who is covering me while I am away and she told me it was a new hire. I asked her how the new hire is doing and she replied that she is an awesome worker. I immediately started to feel this pang of emotion in my chest area, underneath my heart. It was like this form of anxiety pang that came. I asked myself why am I feel this way and I realized that this pang contains some fears that I am still holding on to.
I guess what I am holding on to is the fear that I am not going to be liked or appreciated in the workplace. My mind makes up all sort of stories to cling onto the desire of energy creation via emotions and feelings.
What is this coworker telling me?
They are telling me that I allow myself to fear that I am not liked or appreciated and therefore they are threatening me.
They are telling me that I am a victim and a prisoner to my emotions.
They are telling me that I am automatically competing with them by allowing myself to compare me with them
Why do I fear not being liked?
My childhood experiences and upbringing have always conditioned me to be a nice girl.
Why is that?
Wanting to be liked also implied that I get to be part of a group as opposed to being all by myself due to bullying.
Wanting to be liked also implied being praised for being good which feeds into the energy loop.
Wanting to be liked means avoiding being gossiped about negatively because I take it to heart and I am scared my reputation would be ruined.
What can I learn about myself from all this?
I obviously do not love and accept myself because I am relying on the approval of other people to give me that indication that I am a good human being. I see myself as less than what other people perceive of me.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek the approval of others so that I can validate my feeling of being a good person.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to need to be part of a group or else I will feel lonely and left out.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see me as not equal to other people because I need other people to tell me that I am on the right track in my path of being the nicest person in the universe
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek this desire of really wanting to possess a good and caring personality.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to become like Mother Theresa or Lady Diana as in becoming someone who does a lot of good for the world by providing a nurturing personality and therefore earning the title of being the godliest people.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire this energy from seeking appreciation from others to validate my feelings.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to play the game of competition, where if my coworker is perceived as being a winner because of her hard work, then that means that I am the loser in this battle, as to have a winner means to have a loser
When and as I see myself feeling anxious when someone else is being labelled as nice and great, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this behavior is just feeding my mind and what other people are perceived as have nothing to do with me and therefore, I commit to not internalizing those anxious movement inside my body by telling myself that if they are good then that is who they are, and who they are does not imply that I am an unworthy person.
When and as I see myself wanting to be part of a group at work, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that this longing for wanting to fit in is nothing but a program that is running in my mind. I therefore commit to stand up and realize that just because I have to work with coworkers does not mean that they have to become my best friends. In addition, I realize that one can't choose coworkers and therefore what one needs to do is just focus on doing the best they can at their job without having to allow the mind to preoccupy itself by reading in between the lines at every other person's gestures and behaviors.
When and as I catch myself reading in between the lines, where I assume that 2 people are talking about me, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself: "how can I be so sure they are talking about me?" and then I commit to watching my thoughts without judging them.
When and as I catch myself feeling some emotion in my body regarding another coworker, I stop and I breathe and I tell myself that I am simply fueling my mind with energy via polarity, as I have created in my mind a winner and a loser and therefore for that person to emerge as a winner means that I emerge as a lower. I commit to with breath to break this pattern of comparing myself to whoever as this is only participating in polarity constructs where I fail to see myself as one and equal to the being.
I guess what I am holding on to is the fear that I am not going to be liked or appreciated in the workplace. My mind makes up all sort of stories to cling onto the desire of energy creation via emotions and feelings.
What is this coworker telling me?
They are telling me that I allow myself to fear that I am not liked or appreciated and therefore they are threatening me.
They are telling me that I am a victim and a prisoner to my emotions.
They are telling me that I am automatically competing with them by allowing myself to compare me with them
Why do I fear not being liked?
My childhood experiences and upbringing have always conditioned me to be a nice girl.
Why is that?
Wanting to be liked also implied that I get to be part of a group as opposed to being all by myself due to bullying.
Wanting to be liked also implied being praised for being good which feeds into the energy loop.
Wanting to be liked means avoiding being gossiped about negatively because I take it to heart and I am scared my reputation would be ruined.
What can I learn about myself from all this?
I obviously do not love and accept myself because I am relying on the approval of other people to give me that indication that I am a good human being. I see myself as less than what other people perceive of me.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek the approval of others so that I can validate my feeling of being a good person.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to need to be part of a group or else I will feel lonely and left out.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see me as not equal to other people because I need other people to tell me that I am on the right track in my path of being the nicest person in the universe
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek this desire of really wanting to possess a good and caring personality.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to become like Mother Theresa or Lady Diana as in becoming someone who does a lot of good for the world by providing a nurturing personality and therefore earning the title of being the godliest people.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire this energy from seeking appreciation from others to validate my feelings.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to play the game of competition, where if my coworker is perceived as being a winner because of her hard work, then that means that I am the loser in this battle, as to have a winner means to have a loser
When and as I see myself feeling anxious when someone else is being labelled as nice and great, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this behavior is just feeding my mind and what other people are perceived as have nothing to do with me and therefore, I commit to not internalizing those anxious movement inside my body by telling myself that if they are good then that is who they are, and who they are does not imply that I am an unworthy person.
When and as I see myself wanting to be part of a group at work, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that this longing for wanting to fit in is nothing but a program that is running in my mind. I therefore commit to stand up and realize that just because I have to work with coworkers does not mean that they have to become my best friends. In addition, I realize that one can't choose coworkers and therefore what one needs to do is just focus on doing the best they can at their job without having to allow the mind to preoccupy itself by reading in between the lines at every other person's gestures and behaviors.
When and as I catch myself reading in between the lines, where I assume that 2 people are talking about me, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself: "how can I be so sure they are talking about me?" and then I commit to watching my thoughts without judging them.
When and as I catch myself feeling some emotion in my body regarding another coworker, I stop and I breathe and I tell myself that I am simply fueling my mind with energy via polarity, as I have created in my mind a winner and a loser and therefore for that person to emerge as a winner means that I emerge as a lower. I commit to with breath to break this pattern of comparing myself to whoever as this is only participating in polarity constructs where I fail to see myself as one and equal to the being.
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Day 2: Self Forgiveness on Work Related Issues
I forgive myself for allowing myself to allow a single event in the past to continue to run into my mind and create feelings of avoidance, guilt, embarassment, regret and judgement towards C.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that in this world, people respond with niceness and care when it comes to confrontations because this is what I have seen throughout my life and therefore assumed that in the real world it will be the same.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge someone as being a 'racist' and non-compassionate because of the words and actions they participated in, not looking at the context to see if their point was valid or not because I assumed that judging is a bad thing and that they should not be judging others.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to take things personally when a coworker was trying to just defend her point of view regarding ethnicities about the way she sees things based on her ideas and perceptions- where she would bring up points that are valid for her that do not necessarily reflect the truth.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to read in between the lines whenever I see my coworkers quietly talk with one another, assuming that they are talking negatively about me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like a victim in all situations at work, via my participation in keeping quiet as opposed to standing up and telling them what I feel and think whenever I feel that I am doing more than my share.
When and as I see myself experiencing emotions at work due to coworkers talking to each other, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this emotions are simply based on what my mind is perceiving and do not depict the actual reality of the situation. I correct this to switching the mindset from feeling like a victim to saying : "I will not allow my mind to make preconceived judgements about anything because that is simply fueling energy for the mind to exist."
When and as I see myself judging someone else, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that judging someone is simply starting off from wanting to believe that I am right, therefore feeding my ego, and therefore this discussion will simply be a battle between defending 2 egos as opposed to practically listening to the other person and simply understanding from where they are coming from. I commit to being in the present via actively listening to the words and sentences the other coworker says and not allowing my mind to form any sorts of internal backchat and judgements about them. When the person is done talking, then that conversation is brought to an end and I continue to do my work duties.
When and as I see myself not understanding why everyone can't just be nice or make an effort to get along, I stop and I breathe. I realize that we all come from our own internal battles and that manifests in the actual world through our words and deeds. I also realize that this perception of wanting everyone to be nice to one another is simply another way to tell myself that I do not want to confront and stand up to others because I hate fights. I realize that by keeping quiet and not participating in other people's actions/deeds that I am in fact not allowing their pattern and behavior to influence me. I therefore commit to whenever being faced with condescending remarks or complaints from coworkers to breathe, and not allow myself to suck up to them or curse them internally as doing so means participating in the polarity construct. Instead, I pause, breathe and remain silent as a way to not allow my participation in something that does not promote what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that in this world, people respond with niceness and care when it comes to confrontations because this is what I have seen throughout my life and therefore assumed that in the real world it will be the same.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge someone as being a 'racist' and non-compassionate because of the words and actions they participated in, not looking at the context to see if their point was valid or not because I assumed that judging is a bad thing and that they should not be judging others.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to take things personally when a coworker was trying to just defend her point of view regarding ethnicities about the way she sees things based on her ideas and perceptions- where she would bring up points that are valid for her that do not necessarily reflect the truth.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to read in between the lines whenever I see my coworkers quietly talk with one another, assuming that they are talking negatively about me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like a victim in all situations at work, via my participation in keeping quiet as opposed to standing up and telling them what I feel and think whenever I feel that I am doing more than my share.
When and as I see myself experiencing emotions at work due to coworkers talking to each other, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this emotions are simply based on what my mind is perceiving and do not depict the actual reality of the situation. I correct this to switching the mindset from feeling like a victim to saying : "I will not allow my mind to make preconceived judgements about anything because that is simply fueling energy for the mind to exist."
When and as I see myself judging someone else, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that judging someone is simply starting off from wanting to believe that I am right, therefore feeding my ego, and therefore this discussion will simply be a battle between defending 2 egos as opposed to practically listening to the other person and simply understanding from where they are coming from. I commit to being in the present via actively listening to the words and sentences the other coworker says and not allowing my mind to form any sorts of internal backchat and judgements about them. When the person is done talking, then that conversation is brought to an end and I continue to do my work duties.
When and as I see myself not understanding why everyone can't just be nice or make an effort to get along, I stop and I breathe. I realize that we all come from our own internal battles and that manifests in the actual world through our words and deeds. I also realize that this perception of wanting everyone to be nice to one another is simply another way to tell myself that I do not want to confront and stand up to others because I hate fights. I realize that by keeping quiet and not participating in other people's actions/deeds that I am in fact not allowing their pattern and behavior to influence me. I therefore commit to whenever being faced with condescending remarks or complaints from coworkers to breathe, and not allow myself to suck up to them or curse them internally as doing so means participating in the polarity construct. Instead, I pause, breathe and remain silent as a way to not allow my participation in something that does not promote what is best for all.
Monday, 2 September 2013
Continuation to coworker dynamics
Day 1
I just finished listening to a really great interview on 'taking things personally'. And what I realized in that interview is that the whole mechanism of taking things personally is just another system which promotes distrust. Distrust as in a form of separation which involves a person not fully expressing themselves with another being due to some misunderstanding which took place in the past at a given point of time. As I look back, I realize that the one part where I have failed to let go of the past and created a lot of friction between me and another girl was last March. In that incident, I had unintentionally decided to allow my ego to get the best of me into dictating an outcome which I wanted to have to benefit myself, as opposed to realizing that what was best for all, was simply to allow myself to let go of any point of friction that I had accumulated over time in relation to that one incident. There are indeed a few dimensions to that one incident to consider.
1. The notion that I had taken some nights shifts just to help out due to my wanting to help out and perhaps that may have also entailed me trying to be a 'hero' and coming to the rescue. That point of being a hero backfired because soon, I ended up resenting the fact that it had always been me who has been helping out to provide coverage for graveyards. SO I went from feeling heroic to feeling zeroic as I felt that I was taken for granted and abused by the system.
2. There was an expectation that others behave the way I did as in also doing their share to help out with the lab because of the notion that we should all work as a team and help the lab in those hard times. This is something that I had placed and created because of the belief that life should be fair and equal and that this is the way to be. There seems to be a feeling of righteousness in that. When I did not see others stepping up, I convinced myself that they are treating me as a slave and that got me really mad at some coworkers where I lost trust in them to the point where I just didn't want to talk to them anymore and isolate myself from the rest of the crew. This expectation caused me to create a miscommunication between me and another being and I ended up taking things personally.
3. The notion that I had done my share and communicated with the bosses that there needs to be a better system in place to promote fairness in the workplace as my position always forces me to stay in the lab due to operational requirements. The fact that nothing has ever been done about it has always put me at a position where I experience both suppression and anger at the management and coworkers who refuse to participate in night's coverage.
4. The notion that I get mad at this one person, who is a really nice and caring person, but who refuses to provide coverage due to her extreme fear of working by herself. The battle between being righteous as in she should do her share because she works in this lab versus realizing that what is best for all is not to have her work as this can compromise patient safety is always going on inside of me.
5. The notion that the person who I ended up having the miscommunication with came across just by asserting herself and she had her own reasons to answer the way she did. It it just not the way I would have communicated because I have always been taught to never be too blunt and direct as that can hurt someone else's feelings. This notion has always stuck to me and that is a point that I have had a really hard time letting go when I relocated countries. I failed to realize that I can't control what another being takes from a situation. I can only control me. If someone chooses to take things personally when one is asserting themselves, then it is their problem.
6. The fear that I will be not appreciated and not liked. Throughout my life as I looked back, I have always been praised for being the kid who is really nice and I had gotten used to that concept. It seems that as I grew up, being nice was what I had identified myself to become and therefore all I did was acts that promoted being liked and appreciated. What I failed to realize is that this was just another way of promoting my ego because wanting to be liked and appreciated by others just means that I don't like myself enough and therefore seek the approval of others to feed that gap.
7. Fear of being gossiped about. Fear of being gossiped about ties into the notion that my reputation will be compromised to such an extend that I will not be liked again.
8. Failure to let go of that one memory which has lead me to create distrust and friction between me and that other coworker. It came to the point where I was experiencing anxiety at the thought of having to see her or work with her and currently I am playing the avoidance game so that I don't have to deal with her anymore. That one memory has also created resentment in me to the point where I just wish I did not have to go to work anymore and face consequences. I also noticed my relationship with another mutual coworker started to fade as in I had lost trust in that being as well because of her close relationship with the other being who I had the issue with.
Some realizations that I came to understand regarding this whole situation.
1. I am still dwelling on the past in the sense that I am still allowing that memory to ruin me. If I were to take a look at how things are currently with both coworkers, we are able to communicate and talk about general things. We do not argue much any more and whenever we converse, I listen to the other person's viewpoints from and objective starting point. I do not always agree with them and sometimes they tend to act a bit extreme when they start calling other people names. However, it does not affect me anymore because I am starting to realize that this is their nature and their nature has nothing to do with me. I have noticed also that the conversations we used to have in the past where one of them talked about ethnicity do not happen any longer. It seems that the person came to the realization that they needed to really revise their words and statements before expressing them. I can see that change in them because at the time all this was going on, I had reacted in anger and started to not talk to them anymore and since that episode I noticed that they began to change and not talk about races.
2. The taking it personally character came instantaneously whenever I read that email as if it was already programmed in me. I realize therefore that I am participating in a system that has taken me up. And that system is what is causing a lot of distrust in me and my relationship with others. I have allowed myself to not accept myself for who I am because of my acceptance in placing what other people perceive of me first.
3. The placement of expectations as in if you do something nice, then you expect the other person/people to reciprocate that act. The funny thing is that all religions tell you to give without expecting. Yet, in real life, that concept seems really hard to live by because we all want a fair an even exchange. What I now realize is that in the case of accepting to do graveyards, the only means of exchange was labor for money and nothing else. The idea that I believe that we should all do our share is just a wish and it is not based on the concept of what is best for all but rather what is best for me as in me demanding that all of us participate. What I now realize is that what is best for all also entails who is the person/people best suited to perform night duties to ensure patient safety. That is something that I thought about constantly as an attempt to balance out the negative charges that I had accumulated through feeling angry that some of us were not participating. Yet, it never occurred to me that some people are just not suited to do nights because they have their own fears and they have young kids to fend for.
4. I so badly want to make things right again between me and the other coworker where I deliberately force myself to try to make conversations with her to attempt to regain her trust. That also ties with me not accepting myself for who I am as I so badly want to retrieve my status of wanting to be liked.
I just finished listening to a really great interview on 'taking things personally'. And what I realized in that interview is that the whole mechanism of taking things personally is just another system which promotes distrust. Distrust as in a form of separation which involves a person not fully expressing themselves with another being due to some misunderstanding which took place in the past at a given point of time. As I look back, I realize that the one part where I have failed to let go of the past and created a lot of friction between me and another girl was last March. In that incident, I had unintentionally decided to allow my ego to get the best of me into dictating an outcome which I wanted to have to benefit myself, as opposed to realizing that what was best for all, was simply to allow myself to let go of any point of friction that I had accumulated over time in relation to that one incident. There are indeed a few dimensions to that one incident to consider.
1. The notion that I had taken some nights shifts just to help out due to my wanting to help out and perhaps that may have also entailed me trying to be a 'hero' and coming to the rescue. That point of being a hero backfired because soon, I ended up resenting the fact that it had always been me who has been helping out to provide coverage for graveyards. SO I went from feeling heroic to feeling zeroic as I felt that I was taken for granted and abused by the system.
2. There was an expectation that others behave the way I did as in also doing their share to help out with the lab because of the notion that we should all work as a team and help the lab in those hard times. This is something that I had placed and created because of the belief that life should be fair and equal and that this is the way to be. There seems to be a feeling of righteousness in that. When I did not see others stepping up, I convinced myself that they are treating me as a slave and that got me really mad at some coworkers where I lost trust in them to the point where I just didn't want to talk to them anymore and isolate myself from the rest of the crew. This expectation caused me to create a miscommunication between me and another being and I ended up taking things personally.
3. The notion that I had done my share and communicated with the bosses that there needs to be a better system in place to promote fairness in the workplace as my position always forces me to stay in the lab due to operational requirements. The fact that nothing has ever been done about it has always put me at a position where I experience both suppression and anger at the management and coworkers who refuse to participate in night's coverage.
4. The notion that I get mad at this one person, who is a really nice and caring person, but who refuses to provide coverage due to her extreme fear of working by herself. The battle between being righteous as in she should do her share because she works in this lab versus realizing that what is best for all is not to have her work as this can compromise patient safety is always going on inside of me.
5. The notion that the person who I ended up having the miscommunication with came across just by asserting herself and she had her own reasons to answer the way she did. It it just not the way I would have communicated because I have always been taught to never be too blunt and direct as that can hurt someone else's feelings. This notion has always stuck to me and that is a point that I have had a really hard time letting go when I relocated countries. I failed to realize that I can't control what another being takes from a situation. I can only control me. If someone chooses to take things personally when one is asserting themselves, then it is their problem.
6. The fear that I will be not appreciated and not liked. Throughout my life as I looked back, I have always been praised for being the kid who is really nice and I had gotten used to that concept. It seems that as I grew up, being nice was what I had identified myself to become and therefore all I did was acts that promoted being liked and appreciated. What I failed to realize is that this was just another way of promoting my ego because wanting to be liked and appreciated by others just means that I don't like myself enough and therefore seek the approval of others to feed that gap.
7. Fear of being gossiped about. Fear of being gossiped about ties into the notion that my reputation will be compromised to such an extend that I will not be liked again.
8. Failure to let go of that one memory which has lead me to create distrust and friction between me and that other coworker. It came to the point where I was experiencing anxiety at the thought of having to see her or work with her and currently I am playing the avoidance game so that I don't have to deal with her anymore. That one memory has also created resentment in me to the point where I just wish I did not have to go to work anymore and face consequences. I also noticed my relationship with another mutual coworker started to fade as in I had lost trust in that being as well because of her close relationship with the other being who I had the issue with.
Some realizations that I came to understand regarding this whole situation.
1. I am still dwelling on the past in the sense that I am still allowing that memory to ruin me. If I were to take a look at how things are currently with both coworkers, we are able to communicate and talk about general things. We do not argue much any more and whenever we converse, I listen to the other person's viewpoints from and objective starting point. I do not always agree with them and sometimes they tend to act a bit extreme when they start calling other people names. However, it does not affect me anymore because I am starting to realize that this is their nature and their nature has nothing to do with me. I have noticed also that the conversations we used to have in the past where one of them talked about ethnicity do not happen any longer. It seems that the person came to the realization that they needed to really revise their words and statements before expressing them. I can see that change in them because at the time all this was going on, I had reacted in anger and started to not talk to them anymore and since that episode I noticed that they began to change and not talk about races.
2. The taking it personally character came instantaneously whenever I read that email as if it was already programmed in me. I realize therefore that I am participating in a system that has taken me up. And that system is what is causing a lot of distrust in me and my relationship with others. I have allowed myself to not accept myself for who I am because of my acceptance in placing what other people perceive of me first.
3. The placement of expectations as in if you do something nice, then you expect the other person/people to reciprocate that act. The funny thing is that all religions tell you to give without expecting. Yet, in real life, that concept seems really hard to live by because we all want a fair an even exchange. What I now realize is that in the case of accepting to do graveyards, the only means of exchange was labor for money and nothing else. The idea that I believe that we should all do our share is just a wish and it is not based on the concept of what is best for all but rather what is best for me as in me demanding that all of us participate. What I now realize is that what is best for all also entails who is the person/people best suited to perform night duties to ensure patient safety. That is something that I thought about constantly as an attempt to balance out the negative charges that I had accumulated through feeling angry that some of us were not participating. Yet, it never occurred to me that some people are just not suited to do nights because they have their own fears and they have young kids to fend for.
4. I so badly want to make things right again between me and the other coworker where I deliberately force myself to try to make conversations with her to attempt to regain her trust. That also ties with me not accepting myself for who I am as I so badly want to retrieve my status of wanting to be liked.
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