This is a continuation to my previous blog on Who I am within current relationships at work. In this blog, I am being more specific in the sense that I will choose 1 coworker at a time and really investigate where I see myself in relation to that particular relationship.
What I did first is write down a list of all my coworkers. Then I placed check marks or cross marks next to each name suggesting whether I trust them or like them. Out of 30 or so coworkers, it came down to me only distrusting 4 coworkers namely: TL, CM, TE, JW, ?CR, ?LF, ?MB ?RK. Some are questionable as to whether I can trust them or like them because of failure to investigate deeper.
So I shall start with TL.
Positive traits that I appreciate about her:
She has a sweet voice whenever she is happy. She tries to remain calm whenever issues need to be addressed to me. She knows that I am sensitive by nature so she tries to be careful to me whenever she has to talk to me.
Flipside of her.
She is a micro-manager and is condescending.
Backchats
I wish she would just talk to me without blaming and not micromanage.
She is herself not efficient in her job, so why is she blaming me for something.
How true are these backchats?
Initially, I was angry at her because of the feedback I had received from other coworkers who always have something to complain about her.
I felt she was picking on me.
Recently, she has been not talking to me unless there is an important topic which needs to be brought up. And when she does bring it up, she is quite diplomatic about it and hasn't really been that mean.
Where do I see myself in this coworker dynamic?
Whenever
she is condascending, I tend to automatically feel this instant emotion
in my body, which I describe as fear of anticipation that says: "oh oh. I
am in trouble. Shit! Now what". I feel like a victim trapped in fear of being in trouble.
Sometimes I may take it personally when I feel she picks on me, which does not seem to happen much anymore.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I will be in trouble from my superiors. I realize that no matter how much I would love to be perfect and never make mistakes that this is just something that will never happen due to the complexity of contexts. When and as I see myself fearing that I will be in trouble, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this is a learning curve, and that when something is being brought up to my attention that I just need to focus on what is being present and learn from it, ensuring that such mistakes are not repeated again.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to take things personally whenever I felt/feel that TL picks on me. I realize that this is just part of who she is and by reacting to that, I instantly put myself in the victim's shoes. When and as I see myself taking things personally, I pause and I breathe. I realize that this reaction is only simply telling me that I am allowing my own self beliefs to sabotage me, where I exist as a personality and want to have my personality validated to ensure its survival. I commit to taking a step back, and looking at the context with a practical mind and asking myself where I fit in that context, as in is she really being nasty or is she just pointing something to me that I need to look into for the sake of patient safety and protocols.
Monday, 14 October 2013
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Day 3: Who Am I within this relationship?
Today a coworker visited me at home. I asked her who is covering me while I am away and she told me it was a new hire. I asked her how the new hire is doing and she replied that she is an awesome worker. I immediately started to feel this pang of emotion in my chest area, underneath my heart. It was like this form of anxiety pang that came. I asked myself why am I feel this way and I realized that this pang contains some fears that I am still holding on to.
I guess what I am holding on to is the fear that I am not going to be liked or appreciated in the workplace. My mind makes up all sort of stories to cling onto the desire of energy creation via emotions and feelings.
What is this coworker telling me?
They are telling me that I allow myself to fear that I am not liked or appreciated and therefore they are threatening me.
They are telling me that I am a victim and a prisoner to my emotions.
They are telling me that I am automatically competing with them by allowing myself to compare me with them
Why do I fear not being liked?
My childhood experiences and upbringing have always conditioned me to be a nice girl.
Why is that?
Wanting to be liked also implied that I get to be part of a group as opposed to being all by myself due to bullying.
Wanting to be liked also implied being praised for being good which feeds into the energy loop.
Wanting to be liked means avoiding being gossiped about negatively because I take it to heart and I am scared my reputation would be ruined.
What can I learn about myself from all this?
I obviously do not love and accept myself because I am relying on the approval of other people to give me that indication that I am a good human being. I see myself as less than what other people perceive of me.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek the approval of others so that I can validate my feeling of being a good person.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to need to be part of a group or else I will feel lonely and left out.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see me as not equal to other people because I need other people to tell me that I am on the right track in my path of being the nicest person in the universe
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek this desire of really wanting to possess a good and caring personality.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to become like Mother Theresa or Lady Diana as in becoming someone who does a lot of good for the world by providing a nurturing personality and therefore earning the title of being the godliest people.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire this energy from seeking appreciation from others to validate my feelings.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to play the game of competition, where if my coworker is perceived as being a winner because of her hard work, then that means that I am the loser in this battle, as to have a winner means to have a loser
When and as I see myself feeling anxious when someone else is being labelled as nice and great, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this behavior is just feeding my mind and what other people are perceived as have nothing to do with me and therefore, I commit to not internalizing those anxious movement inside my body by telling myself that if they are good then that is who they are, and who they are does not imply that I am an unworthy person.
When and as I see myself wanting to be part of a group at work, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that this longing for wanting to fit in is nothing but a program that is running in my mind. I therefore commit to stand up and realize that just because I have to work with coworkers does not mean that they have to become my best friends. In addition, I realize that one can't choose coworkers and therefore what one needs to do is just focus on doing the best they can at their job without having to allow the mind to preoccupy itself by reading in between the lines at every other person's gestures and behaviors.
When and as I catch myself reading in between the lines, where I assume that 2 people are talking about me, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself: "how can I be so sure they are talking about me?" and then I commit to watching my thoughts without judging them.
When and as I catch myself feeling some emotion in my body regarding another coworker, I stop and I breathe and I tell myself that I am simply fueling my mind with energy via polarity, as I have created in my mind a winner and a loser and therefore for that person to emerge as a winner means that I emerge as a lower. I commit to with breath to break this pattern of comparing myself to whoever as this is only participating in polarity constructs where I fail to see myself as one and equal to the being.
I guess what I am holding on to is the fear that I am not going to be liked or appreciated in the workplace. My mind makes up all sort of stories to cling onto the desire of energy creation via emotions and feelings.
What is this coworker telling me?
They are telling me that I allow myself to fear that I am not liked or appreciated and therefore they are threatening me.
They are telling me that I am a victim and a prisoner to my emotions.
They are telling me that I am automatically competing with them by allowing myself to compare me with them
Why do I fear not being liked?
My childhood experiences and upbringing have always conditioned me to be a nice girl.
Why is that?
Wanting to be liked also implied that I get to be part of a group as opposed to being all by myself due to bullying.
Wanting to be liked also implied being praised for being good which feeds into the energy loop.
Wanting to be liked means avoiding being gossiped about negatively because I take it to heart and I am scared my reputation would be ruined.
What can I learn about myself from all this?
I obviously do not love and accept myself because I am relying on the approval of other people to give me that indication that I am a good human being. I see myself as less than what other people perceive of me.
Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek the approval of others so that I can validate my feeling of being a good person.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to need to be part of a group or else I will feel lonely and left out.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to see me as not equal to other people because I need other people to tell me that I am on the right track in my path of being the nicest person in the universe
I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek this desire of really wanting to possess a good and caring personality.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to become like Mother Theresa or Lady Diana as in becoming someone who does a lot of good for the world by providing a nurturing personality and therefore earning the title of being the godliest people.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to desire this energy from seeking appreciation from others to validate my feelings.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to play the game of competition, where if my coworker is perceived as being a winner because of her hard work, then that means that I am the loser in this battle, as to have a winner means to have a loser
When and as I see myself feeling anxious when someone else is being labelled as nice and great, I pause and I breathe. I instantly tell myself that this behavior is just feeding my mind and what other people are perceived as have nothing to do with me and therefore, I commit to not internalizing those anxious movement inside my body by telling myself that if they are good then that is who they are, and who they are does not imply that I am an unworthy person.
When and as I see myself wanting to be part of a group at work, I pause and I breathe. I immediately tell myself that this longing for wanting to fit in is nothing but a program that is running in my mind. I therefore commit to stand up and realize that just because I have to work with coworkers does not mean that they have to become my best friends. In addition, I realize that one can't choose coworkers and therefore what one needs to do is just focus on doing the best they can at their job without having to allow the mind to preoccupy itself by reading in between the lines at every other person's gestures and behaviors.
When and as I catch myself reading in between the lines, where I assume that 2 people are talking about me, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself: "how can I be so sure they are talking about me?" and then I commit to watching my thoughts without judging them.
When and as I catch myself feeling some emotion in my body regarding another coworker, I stop and I breathe and I tell myself that I am simply fueling my mind with energy via polarity, as I have created in my mind a winner and a loser and therefore for that person to emerge as a winner means that I emerge as a lower. I commit to with breath to break this pattern of comparing myself to whoever as this is only participating in polarity constructs where I fail to see myself as one and equal to the being.
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