Day 4: Who am I within specific dynamics at work

This is a continuation to my previous blog on Who I am within current relationships at work. In this blog, I am being more specific in the sense that I will choose 1 coworker at a time and really investigate where I see myself in relation to that particular relationship.

What I did first is write down a list of all my coworkers. Then I placed check marks or cross marks next to each name suggesting whether I trust them or like them. Out of 30 or so coworkers, it came down to me only distrusting 4 coworkers namely: TL, CM, TE, JW, ?CR, ?LF, ?MB ?RK. Some are questionable as to whether I can trust them or like them because of failure to investigate deeper.

So I shall start with TL.

Positive traits that I appreciate about her:

She has a sweet voice whenever she is happy. She tries to remain calm whenever issues need to be addressed to me. She knows that I am sensitive by nature so she tries to be careful to me whenever she has to talk to me.

Flipside of her.
She is a micro-manager and is condescending.


Backchats 
I wish she would just talk to me without blaming and not micromanage.
She is herself not efficient in her job, so why is she blaming me for something.


How true are these backchats?
Initially, I was angry at her because of the feedback I had received from other coworkers who always have something to complain about her.
I felt she was picking on me.
Recently, she has been not talking to me unless there is an important topic which needs to be brought up. And when she does bring it up, she is quite diplomatic about it and hasn't really been that mean.

Where do I see myself in this coworker dynamic?
Whenever she is condascending, I tend to automatically feel this instant emotion in my body, which I describe as fear of anticipation that says: "oh oh. I am in trouble. Shit! Now what". I feel like a victim trapped in fear of being in trouble. 
Sometimes I  may take it personally when I feel she picks on me, which does not seem to happen much anymore.



Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that I will be in trouble from my superiors. I realize that no matter how much I would love to be perfect and never make mistakes that this is just something that will never happen due to the complexity of contexts. When and as I see myself fearing that I will be in trouble, I pause and I breathe. I tell myself that this is a learning curve, and that when something is being brought up to my attention that I just need to focus on what is being present and learn from it, ensuring that such mistakes are not repeated again.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to take things personally whenever I felt/feel that TL picks on me. I realize that this is just part of who she is and by reacting to that, I instantly put myself in the victim's shoes. When and as I see myself taking things personally, I pause and I breathe. I realize that this reaction is only simply telling me that I am allowing my own self beliefs to sabotage me, where I exist as a personality and want to  have my personality validated to ensure its survival. I commit to taking a step back, and looking at the context with a practical mind and asking myself where I fit in that context, as in is she really being nasty or is she just pointing something to me that I need to look into for the sake of patient safety and protocols.